What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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