Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
