Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
