I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
