A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
