youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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