My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
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