I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
