You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
