Please, let me fuck your mom
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
