he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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