I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
