our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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