Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
