looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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