Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I need moral support for this bender
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
