Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
