I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
