Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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