so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
