Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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