i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
