Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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