hotel room ftw
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
