Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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