He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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