I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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