No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
