the condom got lost in my hair
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She swung at the pinata with crutches
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
