Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
