She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
