Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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