everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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