Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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