my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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