Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He passed out mid-signature
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
