Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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