JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
