Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
