it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
