he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
