My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
