I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
