So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
