It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
