Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
