woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
as a side note pls kill me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
