If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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