If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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