If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
