I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
