so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
