Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So many bounce houses so little time
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
